Skylar and Elijah

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-06-15T08:10:00

2004-06-15T15:09:13Z

I am chancing after this dream. But I am too afraid to touch it. It will end badly.

That's all there is to say.

Cool Floaty Effect

2004-06-04T15:51:30Z

HAPPT BIRTHDAY TO MEGGYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

yesterday.

She is spending her 17th in, hmmmm, Florence?

I love you! I miss you with everything there is, Meghan Grover.

Skylar Audesirk

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-06-03T09:53:00

2004-06-03T16:51:39Z

I had one of the most amazing experiences, a few days ago. It is going to change the course of my entire life.

I realize that I am completely and utterly happy with myself exactly the way I am existing at this very moment in time. But I also realize that I have an infinite way to go before I am done becoming a better and whole person- so does everyone else. Giving and taking is equally important. Go outside yourself- and do this the most when it seems you have no reason to. They’re right, too. Try to understand first, then be understood, and then accept. You LITTERALLY make your own world. There is more beauty in understanding and accepting faults than simply looking to make a vision that seems perfect in your mind. My last realizations: Always look at yourself first, always give the benefit of the doubt, and always, always put in a little more effort.

Don’t even think about it.

Of course, these revelations go substantially deeper than any symbol that can be typed. But I thought I would share.

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-04-05T19:01:00

2004-04-06T02:15:51Z

Who would have thought that I could still be grounded? It's an odd thing for me. I feel as though I am so above that. It is completely uneffecting and petty. I understand that they are trying to teach me a lesson, but it is like they are trying to learn it for me. I perhaps they could not know that there are many different ways to accomplish the effect they desire. It should be nice to get some alone time. I actually enjoy being forced to stay home, sometimes. It allows me to do things I wouldn't normally sit and take the time to do. I rarely find the time to read a book for hours on end, nap, write for pleasure, etc., It will be very hard not to see Elijah for so long, though. It is what it is.

I'm off to dance. Dancity dancey dance.

Sky

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-03-10T11:21:00

2004-03-10T18:19:06Z

I saw Jessica Brady at Denny's when I was there with Aftan yesterday. She mentioned my hair, first, and then commented on how long we haven't seen each other. Both expected, and both unaffecting. She then, two sentences into our conversation, asked me if I was still going out with Elijah.

"Two years and 5 months."

At that point, all of our past came to mind. All of the names people called me for dating him, becasue of what happened.

Everyone was wrong. Now, that, my friend is a great life lesson.

And I'm happier than ever.

Skylar

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-03-05T11:43:00

2004-03-05T19:09:39Z

There is absolutely nothing in the world that I would enjoy more right now than a kiss from Elijah. He has been so sad lately. Perhaps “sad” is not the right word. Actually, I’m sure it’s not. He has been numb, cold, painfully disillusioned by life. I feel as though I should be able to do something for him, but it is not for me. Life is upon his shoulders, with little help from those that put it there. His family is completely gone from his life, and there is no turning back. He has himself, and those that wish to join him on his journey. Money is such a wretched thing. It opens all the doors in life, and closes them, too. He has unlimited potential to succeed in any endevour he chooses, and with no footstool or stepping stones. He is entirely one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He is one of the few that deserves that step up, but also one of the few that does not need it. I have to stop trying to be that stone for him, because he can do everything and anything by himself. I just wish he would smile. There are so many things to smile about.

I wonder if I will ever see Ashley again, sometimes. I think that I would just hug her. Life is too short; the human condition too complex.

There’s the bell. Oh goodie.

Yay, Elijah after school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (-:

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-02-18T09:22:00

2004-02-18T16:20:55Z

I had a very disturbing dream last night. I wrote someone who will not appreciate it very much at all. I should start thinking before I act. But I really have to know...

This weekend was uncontrollably fun. Every night was wonderful in it's own way. Sunday was especially great... gay bar and sickiness.

There isn't much else to say. Everything is beautiful.

Sky

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-02-12T07:06:00

2004-02-12T14:04:16Z

Fuck past me for not getting more done. Now present me AND furtute me is screwed. God damn life.

Sky

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-02-08T20:25:00

2004-02-09T03:23:27Z

I am finally seeing
That I was the one worth leaving...

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-01-28T10:16:00

2004-01-28T17:22:27Z

I’m trying to get things done, but I can’t keep my mind on anything. I would say I deserve a break anyway. So, here I am. No one in particular cares, and that doesn’t bother me. I am a natural loner. I don’t work well with others. Not that I don’t try. But I do seem to hurt a bunch of people along the way. I’m actually through caring for once. Or maybe it will all be different tomorrow. More likely. But that’s not present me, and that all that matters as of now.

I am going to quit tennis. I’ve decided that it doesn’t make me happy anymore. It’s not worth spending so much of my life doing something that’s not utterly for myself. I am thinking about taking up dance. I really LOVE it. The dance fundraiser this weekend really made me want it even more.

There’s the bell..

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-01-14T12:05:00

2004-01-14T19:08:29Z

Yesterday was wonderful. Soda Pop Shop, Trans-Mary burgers, hidden lingerie, wrestling, too much sauce, monkeys and babies and killer AI. Half days release some of the stress.

I have auditions after school. Wish me luck.

I love YOU. Do-juus.

Sky

jack_be_nimble @ 2004-01-07T21:37:00

2004-01-08T04:41:56Z

Just finished my third chapter in my online class. 100% Woo.

I had a really wonderful day today. Everything seemed aligned. And all the right things were off-center in the best of ways. Danielle and Elijah made up.

Thomas is moving to Georgia. I don’t know what to say. Except… I am happy that he made a decision for himself. It will be really good for him. Different people, school, new experiences. I will miss him more than anyone knows, really. I wish that his parents would not move away. That would solve it all. Perhaps I shall make him a wonderful going away gift. I know that we will have a party, and it will be memorable.

I talked to Crissy the other day… told her I wanted to talk. I did. There are a lot of things to say… to ask… everyone seems to think that nothing matters. A lot of seemingly irrelevant things matter to me. Things linger and different pathways present themselves. I feel like I’ve fucked up so much. I feel like I’ve completely done it all wrong. But sometimes I think things are good… I wish I was brave enough to just let go.

I’ve been thinking about my future quite a bit of late. Very scary to me. And exciting. So many possibilities. I think everything will turn out fine. I would be happy being a dozen different things all at once, if only I could make a living. Danielle says that she will throw it in my lap if she sees it passing by. That would be awfully nice.

I wrote this poem about the people that surround me at school. I hate being a pessimist, sometimes.

Feast

Two hundred, thousand wriggling sardines
Packed tightly in a can.
Such a narrow box can only spur
A single motivation.
Subconscious conformity.
How quaintly you simplify
The perpetual struggle
Of those that wish to breathe
Unrecycled air.
On such petty terms
One might think
That these absurdly fragile confines
Would not suffocate and bind so.
Yet I stand alone
Among those that smile
At this hallowed block of tin,
Content without room to move
Inside a mind straining to contain
Two hundred, thousand other thoughts,
All of them the same.

By Skylar Audesirk
January 2004

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-12-30T16:51:00

2003-12-30T23:51:46Z

I have been indescribably happy the past few weeks. With the few exceptions, every day has just been so perfect in it’s own way. So many moments I can look back on and smile.

There is one thing that has been tearing at me. I feel as though I am failing my friends. Each one, one by one, slowly but surely. Amanda, Ashley, Crissy, Meghan. It is my nature to look to my own faults, and I have therefore blamed most of their misery and feeling of betrayal on myself. Whether this is accurate or not, it remains lingering in my mind.

Amanda is this fairy tale that I once dreamed about. I could have sworn it was real, perhaps too good to be true. I let her down like no one else could, and left her alone to wallow in the memory of it. We have tried countless times to rekindle the friendship, but we are both so different, and I could never show her myself. I am past that life, now.

Ashley is simply unmentionable, at times. She has tainted me like no other person could possibly have. She hurt me more than I will ever be able to describe and, right or wrong, I walked away. Bitterness and resentment followed. Why she hates me, how she could, surpasses my intellectual capacity. She will forever remain a deeply touching symbol in my life. There is truly no reason for her to have affected me so intensely. We were not close or knew each other long. She is an incomprehensible being; I saw something in her that I have never seen. I feel as though I am just another doll in her trash. It is an almost unbearable feeling. At this point, you would think the thought would be a joke. The complexity of it turns my stomach.

I think about Crissy often, actually. I’m not sure why: I haven’t really talked to her in weeks. I guess it is because she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way that she has all of her life. I feel as though I have contributed to the feeling that she will always fail and is infinitely replaceable. I am not like most females. I am well accustomed to change and greet it with a mellow smile. Circumstances will arise, people will change, and some things will never be explained. I can’t stand that I somehow rotted a part of her. Although our friendship was brief, I feel as though I impacted her so negatively that she might well be better off if I had never lived. I don’t want her to feel abandoned… I don’t want to abandon anyone. I AM TRULY SORRY. No one will ever understand that.

Meghan has been my best friend for years. I just don’t know where we are. I am powerless. I can’t make her happy anymore. I just don’t… please her enough as a person, it seems. I can’t help but feel as though I have taken away her hope. I miss her.

I will never be… right… here. This world isn’t for me, I suppose. Maybe I belong dreaming.

Do not presume to see me.

Skylar

My subject is optional.

2003-12-26T00:23:21Z

Well, I haven't talked to this thing in quite a bit, i guess thomas' post addiction, not past addiction, but actual post addiction, inspired. I have been talking much of life recently, and deep thought subjects, or subjects that can expand into deep thoughts. I enjoy string theory, because it makes a sort of sense that i can connect with. Which is all scientific theory really is. Semi factual things you accept because you like how it fits into your view of life. Just as religion does the same in a nonsensical manner.
Anyway, i failed one and all this holiday season in the field of presents. which is a pretty shitty field. Danielle can attest to that, i believe she knelt in that field once.
This christmas was surprising to me though, as i recieved many a thing i can truly use. And use i will. Skylar purchased me an excellent bartending assortment, with shaker, strainer, and the like, very high quality. Steve bought me a awsome shot glass thingy, with flasks. And Danielle bought me a book of drinks.
My mother surprised my world though, buying me a 300 dollar acoustic steel guitar.
Now i have an avenue i want to explore, as hopefully thomas has his keyboard. Much possibility.
But now, all i can say is.......i need a job, bartending. I have to see peter pan with danielle. I have to see the rest of Lotr 3. And learn guitar.

Here....we...go.

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-11-27T08:53:00

2003-11-27T16:22:21Z

Happy Thanksgiving

America is officially pathetic. The Thanksgiving Parade commentator just said, without sarcasm or humor intended mind you, that the whole parade lasts approximately two miles, and that you have to be in “pretty good shape to make that.” Oh, god. Shut the fuck up.

Well, I am thankful. The list is far too long, but I shall do my best.

(not neccisarily in any particular order)
You
Ice Cream
Pillows
Love
Showers
Laughter
Kisses
Fear
Swings
Alcohol
Sunsets
Quilts
Heartbreak
Wind
MSI
Sleep
Antoine De Saint-Exupery
Pain
Staples
Necks
Stars
Underwear (-:
Europe
Expectations
Mashed Potatoes
Flip Flops
OCEAN
Words
Olive trees

Danielle=Yayness forever!!! Eeeeeeeeee…

An English teacher… how proud I’d be if you had become one. It could have been such a wonderful life.

I am so excruciatingly happy about life. Thank you. Winkety.

<~*Sky*~>

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-11-19T19:39:00

2003-11-20T02:41:44Z

"Speed limits are merely suggestions."

LiveJournal is silly and useless. I am done.

<~*Uhuh*~>

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-11-11T14:03:00

2003-11-11T21:05:53Z

I only want to say one thing.

*Happy Birthday Skylar Audesirk!!!!!!!*

*17 Years.....one more till porn,yayayayayayay!!!*

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-11-11T07:27:00

2003-11-11T14:28:01Z

It's my Birthday.

:-D

Yay

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-11-06T12:12:00

2003-11-06T19:07:10Z

My bruises are a pretty purple. And my ass hurts where Danielle bit it. It was harder than I let her know. Shhh. (-:

I got a kiss from Lynz, by the way. It was crazy… I thought I was going to pass out. She is so beautiful. Her sex appeal on stage is like nothing else. It is so hard to imagine what those people are really like… it would be nice to know them, I think.

MYh(#*P &59aertgt374nfg fu-0(&_R8anty 4wt9sdy3 POA#&0-53q74 fgtr;lij;<- me last night. The world was gone. I love that feeling.

Enough of that. By that, I mean I’ll bring the concert up constantly because it is sooo worthy of such.

Stupid wiggerz.

Sky

Never Last

2003-11-06T13:56:03Z

MSI was amazing. I just let everything... go. It was the most wonderful thing. They are SOOO great live.

The petty shit isn't even worth mentioning. I just wish certain people hadn't been there, for Elijah's sake. They ruined the concert for him. And I LOVE how I "held back" a big strong man. That was quite funny. Men are silly little things.

I have to go to traffic school for... blowing a red light. LOL. Out of all the things... you would think going 90 on the freeway would be what they stop me for. Just joking, of course. (-: Yay for cops.

Danielle is now loved be all. I LOVE that. And I love her. It was so wonderful having her there.

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-11-04T15:01:00

2003-11-04T22:13:52Z

Today isn't going as planned. Not that it has been a failure in any reguard, moreso, it's been completely nourished.I had this great list of things do do, a schedule to adhere too....my new word:)....and it was smashed by the knocking of an angel. so i revamp, and accomplish in a different order now. I am enjoying to a grandiose level my little black planner. his name is albert. ahh, i miss slavery. anyway, i mulstitasked, bought some much need toiletries and a planner for the revamping of my life.in just a little while, in my new shirt, i am going to jog to the bookstore, peruse and peruse, and find something perfectly amazing, no matter what it is. Except Martha Stewart in all her pomposity. Another person I would gladly kill given there were no consequences. I read the poem Crissy had in her journal just a minute ago, I reccomend that the rest of you do as well. I want to read it in it's entirety.
I'm just feeling good. Whether it is the winter air, crisp and real, or the line of cocaine I just snorted.
or maybe a giraffe drew me a perpendicular picture of a papaya and persimmon placed upon a parcel of pomegranites. Perhaps.
I am done watching shows about other people's lives. I'm not saying survivor or the like...or sitcoms that are the labor of many a writer and actor. I'm talking about shows like rich girls, love chain drew barrymore, dating shows. And cribs damnet, fucking cribs. Live my own life methinks.

End it.

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-10-30T07:06:00

2003-10-30T14:09:02Z

Meghan can't go to my performance. And I just ruined my eye make-up.

Sky

Toast

2003-10-29T04:36:57Z

Just got back for Ensemble rehearsal. That is the last full rehearsal until the final performance on Thursday. I really want to make everyone proud.

Mr. Bush, my dad, Elijah, Meghan, Amanda?… I just hope that they don’t fuck me up with funny faces or anything. Good lord, the bastards.

Crissy isn't going. Yet seeing another movie with Megan is a priority. Seems strange to me. I’ve been asking her to go for about three weeks now. But, I’m sure there’s something I’m missing. Good to know where I stand. Oh, well. If she doesn’t want to go, I don’t want her there anyway.

I wonder what I will do afterward? It is tradition for everyone to meet at a restaurant after a performance, but I don’t think that is going to work very well. Hmm, well see.

I wish Elijah would call me. He left in incoherent message on my phone. I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss him. And I need to buy an outfit for the performance, because I have nothing that would be appropriate. I wonder what time he works tomorrow.

My editor came up to me today and told me that abortion editorial was the best student editorial that he has ever read. He NEVER talks, so I was like, “Me?… What?… Really?” It was relatively humorous. It made me really happy.

Flunked a math test today. I feel my grades going down in a very rapid manner. That’s healthy. But I could not give less of a fuck. Whatever that means.

I love Meghan Grover.

Sky

For the love of God, DON'T GO.

2003-10-27T14:19:59Z

I repeat, DO NOT GO TO ALICE COOPER'S HAUNTED HOUSE. $15. 5 minutes. 10 creepy guys breathing on your neck and whispering God knows what, thinking about what they would do to you in bed. Oh, they through in a shower to sweeten the deal. And Syphilis.

Really great weekend.

Go to Zen 32. Single best place to eat, ever.

Don't forget the hot mustard sauce.

Always remeber his truthful, drunken ramblings. That's the 329871 reason you love him.

See Benny and June.

Play Silent Hill 3 in the pitch black.

French bread is damn good.

Only play Settler's of Catan while eating a Wendy's frosty.

Uhuh, uhuh. I like it. Uhuh, uhuh.

Sky

jack_be_nimble @ 2003-10-19T18:27:00

2003-10-20T01:39:20Z

"It's like having a baby... but you can eat it."

I think of that randomly. That is what makes life wonderful.

I just got back from David’s “Celebration of Life.” I couldn’t stay any longer. I’m never any good when placed in a position such as that. I am too introverted, and unsocial. People make me very uneasy. I can’t imagine why anyone talks to me anyway… I am just awkward and stumbling and reticent. It is so hard to see my sister crying… so hard… because she has lost one of her best friends, and her only father. Meanwhile, I stand with one of my best friends, and my only father. Alive and well. I feel as though I am somehow flaunting my wealth in front of her… provoking those tears.

My dad also has high blood-pressure (the cause of David’s brain hemorrhage). Now, he can’t dare argue with me about seeing a doctor. I am so lucky, and happy, that it wasn’t my father… that is so horrible. I can’t bring myself to entirely sympathize with my sister, because that would include placing myself in her shoes. This is usually my natural reaction to any given situation, but I would fall apart. I would regress into my pathetic younger years when I would spend hours crying because of my innate fear of death. I would sit on my bed and wallow in the thought of my loved ones dying. I am so selfish.

I miss Elijah so much right now. He always makes me… better. Understand. His posts were rare treasure. It just makes me wish he was here. It is amazing to think that I can have that mind whenever I like. He is right there, ready and willing to give me all of himself in every way. It makes me happier than I think anything ever could.

Elijah and I have saved $2,600 for our Europe trip. Can you imagine spending that money in any better way? I can’t, so it doesn’t matter. I am going to experience the most staggering beauties. He couldn’t have put it in any better way.

Talking to Thomas allows me to understand myself so well. He just always seems so interested in everything I have to say. I can be more open with him in the strangest way than anyone else. His words provoke so many thoughts for me, as well. I just love time with him… although it seems far too rare.

I picture myself as trying to outrun my sadness. Every once in a while, I’ll hide so I can breathe. Take a rest. Elijah is special. He is the only one that can truly see me… the “unfortunate results of my insanity.” I put on a damn good façade, don’t you think? Half the time, it is almost all of me. The world overwhelms me a great amount of the time, and it feels as though life should be more understanding. There is no real reason to cry, or be unhappy, for me. There is always my unmentionable past, and the fear of the future. But that is not now. But past and future is what builds today. I can’t help thinking that it’s all going to tumble down. I can’t explain my hope and frustration and torment. I hate that I am, and tomorrow I may laugh at this.

I don’t’ know why I am so upset and unstable right now. I think that it might be because I am so angry at the unjustice of the world and the questions that I will never find the answer to. I am so happy to know the beautiful people that I do. I am so angry that I won’t ever understand. I love so much… and life is so beautiful. But I can’t stop crying right now and it just makes me angry. And lost. Alone. And I just want to stop. I just want to let it all go. I dream of things that make me want to scream and some that breathe in life and reveal it. I can’t imagine why I am. I can’t. fucking pathetic lump of nothing.

Alright. I'm back. That is done. I am not healthy. But who is, right? We all think that everyone else is just the dramatic one that is lucky to have such small, insignificant problems. It's just a phase, I'm sure.

I have a feeling that Meghan doesn't really miss me. It is upsetting to an extent. I am happy, though, to the n-th degree, that she has found Elias. He is different than all of the rest. I hope that it turns out.

I am too negative to be writing in here, right now. Because, as I just realized, someone might actually read this. And that, my friends, would be a tragedy. I might just rub off on you. Or you might judge me purely from the negativity that I am inherently spouting at this very moment. Rightfully so, it is human nature. I rarely wish to read such pointless stupidity. So, why write it? I will never erase a post, though, unfortunately. It is not in my nature. So, here it shall stay. Learn from this experience, and just scroll next time.

Complain. Complain. Complain. Shutting up now. For fuck’s sake.

Toasty